:: Always the Freak ::

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
:: welcome to Always the Freak CLICK HERE FOR THE NEW BLOG HOME: ATF v2.0 | | ?WHO IS JENN? |

Taste of San Diego, 9/2006
At the yummalicious Dussini in the Gaslamp.

[::..ABOUT ME..::]
Just Watched:
:: A Work In Progress::
:: Bacon & Ehs::
:: ectophensis ::(Taco Shop Psychic)
:: Geese-A-Plenty::
:: Grillboy.net ::
:: Insignificant Thoughts ::
:: Crazy Island ::
:: Leftbanker ::
:: Outhouse Rag::
:: Tyler ::
:: xxcentrik ::
:: Six Different Ways ::
:: Sam-I-Am ::
:: Freak Girl ::
:: Easily Amused::
:: Badmouth::
:: Picnic, Lightning::
:: In Passing ::
:: Home Brew Adventures ::
:: KAYMC ::
:: The Jencyclopaedia ::
:: Jenn Blogs ::
:: All Things Jen(nifer)::
:: Jen Bennett ::
:: Jenny Apple ::
:: Jen Speaks ::
:: Piehole ::
:: SnarkSpot ::
:: Very Big Blog ::
:: The Working Mom ::
:: Welcome to Jennville ::
:: What's Brewing ::
Listed on BlogShares
[::..Funny as Hell..::]
:: Stocker Mentality ::
:: Interesting Google Searches ::
:: PEEP Research ::
:: Cockeyed Science ::
:: Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About ::
:: Nude Carrot Man ::
:: Something Awful ::
:: NASCAR.com ::
:: Jimmie Johnson Fan Club ::
:: Lowe's Racing ::
:: Hendricks Motorsports ::
:: Jimmie Rules 2 ::
[::..Stuff I Like..::]
:: Pinball Promo Plastics::
:: Fellow Jeopardy Junkies, CLICK HERE! (This is Jennings)::
:: Found Magazine ::
:: My Wishlist ::
:: Jersey Girl Diary ::
:: Placebo Productions ::
:: Nick's NTN Site ::
:: News Askew ::
:: Honeyslide ::
:: Neil Gaiman ::
:: RoadsideAmerica ::
:: Everquest.com ::
:: Bored.com ::
:: WalMart Watch ::
:: My stupid personality test results ::
7 ~ The Innocent Man,
John Grisham
8 ~ The Lovely Bones,
Alice Seebold
6.5 ~ Rage,
Jonathan Kellerman
8 ~ Girls in Pants,
Ann Brashares
9 ~ Twelve Sharp,
Janet Evanovich
7 ~ The Icon,
Neil Olson
10 ~ Daughter of Fortune,
Isabel Allende
04/15/2005 7.5 ~ Envy,
Sandra Brown
7.5 ~ The Crush,
Sandra Brown
6.5 ~ The Conspiracy Club,
Jonathan Kellerman
4 ~ Double Homicide,
The Kellermans
5 ~ Courting Trouble,
L Scottoline
1 ~ Full House,
J Evanovich
10 ~ Small Town,
L Block
3 ~ Darkly Dreaming Dexter,
J Lindsay
5 ~ Cold Case,
S White
8 ~ Four to Score,
J Evanovich
9 ~ The Last Juror,
J Grisham
0 ~ The Taking,
D Koontz
7 ~ The Last Girls,
L Smith
7 ~ Brave New World,
A Huxley
4 ~ The Virgin Blue,
T Chevalier
7 ~ Therapy,
J Kellerman
3 ~ Good Faith,
J Smiley
8 ~ The Survivor's Club,
L Gardner
6.5 ~ The Second Summer of the Sisterhood,
A Brashares
7 ~ Portrait in Sepia,
I Allende
6.5 ~ Thr3E,
T Dekker
6.5 ~ Blue Highways,
W Least Heat Moon
8.5 ~ The Face,
D Koontz
6.5 ~ Eyre Affair,
J Fforde
8 ~ The Murder Book,
J Kellerman
7 ~ A Cold Heart,
J Kellerman
7 ~ Ambush at Fort Bragg,
T Wolfe
5 ~ The Beach House,
J Patterson
10 ~ The Bonfire of the Vanities,
T Wolfe
10 ~ To Kill A Mockingbird,
H Lee
6 ~ The Brethren
J Grisham
5 ~ Hemlock Bay,
C Coulter
8.5 ~ Jonathan Livingston Seagull,
R Bach
6 ~ The Old Curiosity Shop,
C Dickens
7.5 ~ The Sisterhood..
Traveling Pants,
A Brashares
1 ~ Isle of Dogs,
P Cornwell
9 ~ The All True Travels...Lidie Newton,
J Smiley
[::..Movie Grades..::]
5 ~ Crash
9 ~ Rent
7.5 ~ Little Miss Sunshine
10 ~ Talladega Nights
9 ~ Cars
0 ~ The Grudge
7 ~ The Incredibles
4 ~ Ray
8.5 ~ National Treasure
7.5 ~ Timeline
4 ~ Haunted Mansion
2 ~ The Hulk
7 ~ Kill Bill, Part One
7 ~ Terminator 3
6.5 ~ Bruce Almighty
6.5 ~ Amelie
8.5 ~ The Italian Job
6.5 ~ Matrix Reloaded
6.5 ~ Identity
6.5 ~ Anger Management
6.5 ~ Dreamcatcher
4 ~ The Banger Sisters
4 ~ Bringing Down the House
6 ~ Tears of the Sun
5 ~ Daredevil
7 ~ How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
8 ~ Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets
2 ~ Mr. Deeds
5.5 ~ Lord of the Rings: TTT
7 ~ Star Trek: Nemesis
1 ~ The Transporter
6 ~ One Hour Photo
6 ~ Goldmember
8.5 ~ Signs
6.5 ~ Bloodwork
5.5 ~ Vanilla Sky
5.5 ~ Monster's Ball
7.5 ~ Interstate 60
7.5 ~ Escape From New York
4.5 ~ Elvira's Haunted Hills
4 ~ K19
6 ~ The Bourne Identity
5 ~ Halloween (8?)
7 ~ Men In Black 2
8 ~ Minority Report
6 ~ Scooby Doo
4 ~ Undercover Brother
7 ~ The Sum of All Fears
8 ~ Insomnia
7 ~ Star Wars, Episode II - Attack of the Clones
9 ~ Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone
4 ~ Snow Dogs
1 ~ Gosford Park
6 ~ Spiderman
6 ~ Jason X
3.5 ~ Murder by Numbers
7 ~ Panic Room
7 ~ Van Wilder
5 ~ Ice Age
4.5 ~ The Time Machine
2 ~ We Were Soldiers
7.5 ~ Blackhawk Down
7 ~ A Beautiful Mind
5 ~ Hart's War
4 ~ Collateral Damage
2 ~ Mothman Prophecies
7 ~ I Am Sam

:: Thursday, August 29, 2002 ::


That's this week. I just need to vent a little, here. I've had one of those difficult weeks where most things have gone wrong and I've been overwhelmed by things needing to be done. I'm talkin' work here... well, mostly. One of the things that is difficult about being a supervisor or administrator is dealing with the emotional baggage of people not liking you or your decisions. For the most part, I feel like I'm here to do a job and if someone doesn't like the way I do it, fuck 'em. But, I'm a person and I have feelings. It feels bad to have people angry with you or not like you and sometimes its not as easy to say "fuck 'em". Thats sort of how I'm feeling today. Several emoployee requests were denied today and while I feel bad (mostly) for having to deny the requests, the only thing the deni-ees see is that I'm just being a bitch. I feel very angry that people are so unappreciative of the things that are done for them just because they don't get everything they want. My job is to find solutions that make this program run efficiently and my first priority is determining what is beneficial to the program. Thats my job. I can't give in to everyones request to the detriment of the smooth running of this program. I just can't. I would be remiss in my duties to do so. It's something of a quandary. Usually not much of one, but today I'm so drained that my emotions are overflowing and I'm feeling this huge combination of sadness and anger and disappointment. Yeah, pretty much a bunch of negative crap. I'm counting the next 30 minutes until I can get in my truck and cry myself to home. The bonus is that I don't have to be here tomorrow. Thank goodness! Four days off before I come back to the snake pit. Whew. Isn't there anyone who reads this who wants to give me a killer job in San Diego? I promise not to blog at work... really. hahahaha

:: Jenn 4:59 PM [+]


So, this is a pretty big weekend for Steve at Darlington. I'm sending him happy thoughts for success. C'mon, you can show 'em all!

:: Jenn 1:39 PM [+]

The schemers get the benefits

So, maybe I'm wrong. We have an employee who has been in the reserve military. He has an opportunity to take a full time job as a musician for MORE money than he makes here, allowing him to quit both this job and the second job he has been working to make ends meet. This is a great opportunity. More power to him. However, because this job as a musician is with his branch of the military, he is considered as going into active military duty (albeit by choice), therefore allowing him a wealth of benefits. Not only do we have to hold his job/position open for him for three years (thus forcing us to have a vacant position), but apparently during the first 180 days, he continues to accrue leave time (vacation and sick). This totally blows me away. The holding of the position creates a hardship on our program and staff, leaving us with the possiblity of being short handed. I guess what I'm feeling is that if he was called into REAL service, I think these rules would be reasonable... afterall, defending our country and our freedom is noble. But, grrrrrrrrr this is a CHOICE that he made. Hell, I'd love a fun job that I enjoyed and made more money at. Who wouldn't? What do you think? Am I being a bitch or do I have a valid complaint here?

:: Jenn 1:37 PM [+]

:: Tuesday, August 27, 2002 ::
It's Tuesday

I know. I suck. I just am so laaaazy. Bleh. But, I do have a movie review for you. I'm not sure how to do this though, because I want to talk about the movie, but I don't want to spoil it for you guys. ARGH! I'm not going to SPOIL it, but don't read this if you don't want to know ANYTHING, you can read it if you don't mind knowing a little... Okay. The movie. Signs. LOVED IT! What a great movie. It was scary and exciting, but funny and touching, too. Mel, of course is way rad. I LOVED how they did the aliens. They weren't dorky or big bugs. They were scary and more serious. It was great. There are some definite religious undertones here, but you know, this was just a really good movie and I recommend it! It's getting an 8.5! I know, it's crazy, but I really liked it. I guess I didn't really know what it was about until I got there, so that made it even more of a surprise.

8.5 ~ Signs

:: Jenn 4:14 PM [+]

:: Monday, August 26, 2002 ::
kudos to one of my fan club co-dictators

In case you haven't visited lately, you should check out Journal of Doubt. Doubting Thomas has shared an original short story of his with us and I thought it was quite a story.

:: Jenn 1:10 PM [+]

It's a Link!

In case you're looking for that perfect Christmas gift for that special person... check out this page and how you, too can purchase an Origami Boulder. READ THE FAQs!

:: Jenn 10:16 AM [+]

Expectations v2.0

I’ve given further thought to my post on unrealistic expectations… in a round-a-bout sort of way. See, yesterday I got cranky. I won’t go into details, but suffice to say that I was somewhat upset about something going on in my relationship. No, that makes it sound like an issue, it was a single thing that I wanted at the time that wasn’t going to happen. But, it brought back a flood of thoughts and fears based on my past experience. I was being bitchy and "giving one word answers for the last two hours". Stepping back and seeing my reactions is hard to do. But, I see that how I react and my expectations are based so much on my past experiences, which have just not been all that great. I am going to fuck up here if I don’t stop this. I can’t let the past make me jaded. I can’t expect the worst from Mr. San Diego and our relationship just because the worst is how things ended up before. This is a whole new ball game. This is a whole new life and I have to live in the moment and hold on to how special it is. I can see that if I worry and fear that things will not work out, I will become moody and unhappy and then of course, it’s not going to work out! So, starting today I am going to practice catching myself when I get negative or when I judge things based on my past. Not just with Mr. San Diego, but in all areas of my life. It’s really hard. I’ll let you know how it goes.

:: Jenn 10:14 AM [+]

Late as Usual

I really did try to post yesterday, but had to close out my screen before posting as Mr. San Diego commandeered my computer. But, I'm baaaaaaaaack now!

Nascar... OH MY GOD! First, Bristol (particularly at night) is a hell of a race! Wow! Obviously I am extremely pissed that Jimmie got wrecked by Robbby Gordon. That really sucked big time. Robby Gordon can kiss my butt and ha ha to him for getting black flagged! (Do I sound like a 2-year-old?) Congrats to Kathleen for her boy, Jeff, taking home first place (about time, huh?) although, I really think it sucks that people bump other people. Granted, Rusty didn't wreck the way Jimmie did, but still that whole bumping thing just doesn't seem cool to me. Again, I'm a newbie and maybe that is perfectly acceptable to push someone out of the way. Of course, if Rusty was fast enough, he would have probably went after him right back, so I guess that's the way the game is played, huh? Just not liking it myself, ok? In general though, what a fun race and everyone all pissed off at each other makes it pretty intense. We were talking about the relationships between the drivers and how that effects their actions and reactions on the track. For example, what kind of relationship is there between say Jimmie Johnson and Robby Gordon OFF the track? Like do they get pissed at each other and then after the race, they go get a beer? Or does this stuff get really dirty and they start hating each other and a feud ensues? I'm just curious as I have NO IDEA how those relationships and interactions are. Anyway, GREAT RACE!

:: Jenn 9:36 AM [+]

:: Thursday, August 22, 2002 ::
It's a rough life

Having to be online AT HOME on a Thursday with my mommy making me a big yummy breakfast and the whole day in the pool ahead of me... yes, it's rough.

:: Jenn 10:37 AM [+]

:: Wednesday, August 21, 2002 ::

I forgot to mention yesterday (uh, when I forgot to post) that Monday night I saw the sun set and moon rise at the same time! I thought it was very neato-skeeto!!!

:: Jenn 4:14 PM [+]

Unrealistic Expectations

It was 1999. I was in love. Tragically so, or at least it sure felt tragic. But I had a pal with whom I exchanged e-mails about our non-existent love lives, what would “be nice”, and what was going on in general. I guess it was a kind of blogging for one. I enjoyed our “conversations”. I enjoyed having someone to talk to about my unfortunate twist of fate: finding the guy of my dreams (so I thought) and his not being interested. There actually came a point where the lowest of the lows came and, silly me, I confessed my feelings to my beloved. OUCH! Talk about being shoved down on your ass, experiencing your first taste of rejection. No, this was not a happy time in my life. One day my pal with whom I shared my heartbreak and misery stories with cut me off. Conversation ended. When I approached him to ask what was going on he told me I was “too much work”. I really didn’t understand what that meant. How can a friend be too much work? When I questioned him he told me that I had “unrealistic expectations”. You know I’ve thought about that comment a lot, and I mean a lot. While I disagree that I had unrealistic expectations (from my point of view, of course) in regards to our friendship, I think that one of my biggest problems in life is that I do have unrealistic expectations.

I definitely have the “that’s not fair” attitude. Yes, my mother always made sure I knew that “Jennifer, life is not fair.” That hasn’t kept me from believing that it should be fair, though. Damn it, I want fairness! No, I EXPECT fairness. Therein lies the beginning of the unrealistic expectations.

In the people that I spend my time with, I expect them to be like me. I expect them to have the same ethics as me and the to do the things that I would do in a situation, but they don’t. No one does. Yet, I can’t turn off the disappointment when this is proved over and over again. I wrecked my car a couple of years ago and was without a vehicle for a month. Only two people came to see me and take me out and about. All of the people who I spent time with normally, all of a sudden forgot about me when I wasn’t the one doing the driving. In relationships, I expect truth and honesty and faithfulness, but I certainly haven’t had the luxury of that expectation coming true. I’m hoping (expecting?) that this time, I’m being realistic in this expectation, but my experiences have jaded me. Trusting is a difficult thing, but I'm working on letting go of fear.

At work, I expect people to act like adults. I expect people to clean up after themselves and handle instruction and even adversity in a mature way. But, they don’t. They cry to the Employee Association, because I can’t get the air conditioning guy out fast enough in the summer or the exterminator comes and sprays for bugs when people are in the office.

I have expectations of people, of life. Are they unrealistic? I question this. The options are that I expect too much and thus will always be disappointed; or, it’s okay to expect that which I expect and it’s the people and events around me that are failing me. I don’t really know the answer. But, my solution has been to lower my expectations and become jaded and cynical. I don’t want to be that person. I like looking at life with the “glass is half full” outlook. I hate that I am losing that optimistic perspective and I just hope that my future will be a little more full of positive things that will prove that maybe it isn’t fair all of the time, but sometimes… well, sometimes life is fair.

Oh, and that friend of mine. The one who said I was “too much work”. Well, we’ve rebuilt a friendship and I like to think it’s much better than it was back then. He’s the only “real life” friend of mine that reads and comments here on a regular basis and you know what? He’s a good guy. I hope he doesn’t mind that I talked about him ;-)

:: Jenn 10:40 AM [+]

:: Monday, August 19, 2002 ::
Song of the Day
(or, I can steal an idea if I want to)

I've been listening to this group all weekend. Can't get 'em outta my head. It happens to be one of the few bands that I WANT to see, but have not yet. AND they played at HOB in Hollywood in June. I'm such an ass. I should have went. Anyway... Guess it?

"No, said I'd never fall in love again
But it's real and the feeling comes shining through."

:: Jenn 1:29 PM [+]

Monday Monday

I could go on and on about the Nascar Race. I could talk about the party we had on Saturday night. I could blither on and on about Mr. San Diego and how wonderful he is and how much I miss him right now. There are so many things I could be writing about right now, but the fact is that they all feel somewhat mundane. It's the same old shit that I write over and over and frankly, I don't want my journal to be a place where I constantly repeat myself. I want this to be a place where I can contemplate thoughts and questions, where I can ask my fellow bloggers for advice and ideas about topics that affect my life, and I want it to be a place where I can let off some steam when I need to. But, I don't want it to be boring. I'm not just talking about boring to the reader who stops by, but boring to ME! When reading back over posts, I want to be entertained and interested. Lately, it seems that my thoughts and ideas are just not flowing. I spent the last couple of weeks feeling a little down and confused and not really in the writing mood. Now I'm back on track, but when I come here, I can't think of a thing to write. My brain has suddenly turned to a very white, very blank sheet of paper and I don't really understand why that is. When I lie in bed at night, I think a million thoughts. I think poetry and songs. I contemplate whats happening in the world and in my life. But, when I get here, all of those words are gone and it's just me feeling "Blank". So, my friends, bear with me a little while and hopefully I'll find what I'm missing.

:: Jenn 1:17 PM [+]

:: Friday, August 16, 2002 ::
Yadda Yadda Yadda

Okay, since I have nothing to say, I thought I would prepare you for the up-coming pop quiz with a new "Twenty Things About Jenn Friday" Have a great weekend all!

1. I recently quit drinking soda (pop for you East-Coasters) because I decided that I had a choice between soda and beer to give up and well… there really wasn’t a question. (But I cheat sometimes)

2. I’ve truly loved four men. I’ve been truly loved by three men.

3. I have this thing about Old Food. I rarely will even eat leftovers.

4. I LOVE TGIFridays. I usually go there once a week to Play NTN with my buddies Nick (you know, Nick’s your Buddy! Nick’s the kinda guy you can puke in his car and he won’t get mad) and Theo-Dave.

5. More Music I like: Aerosmith, David Bowie, Cheap Trick, Dio, Fountains of Wayne, Garbage, Inner Circle, Elton John, Kenny Chesney, Loverboy, Missing Persons, Nickelback, Offspring, Tom Petty, Queensryche, Reel Big Fish, Styx, They Might Be Giants, U2, Phil Vassar.

6. Currently drinking a lot of St. Pauli Girl Beer. Just been in the mood for that one lately. YUM~

7. I decided to clean out the “clutter” in the life, so I’m trying to NOT collect things anymore (people always give you crap when they think you collect things, so if anyone asks… I collect diamonds & stocks).

8. I have an obsession with National Parks and Monuments. I’ve visited 44 of them, east coast to west and I intend to hit all 389 of them (or however many there are when I finish) eventually.

9. I really hate Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club. I fondly refer to them as The Anti-Christ and never spend money at either of them.

10. My last “cool” vacation was in 1999. I flew into Paris, tooled around there a couple of days, visited Versailles, went to Epernay for a day, Belgium for a day and then hit my brother’s place in Germany for a week. The first week was on my own with a duffle bag on one arm and a daypack on my back. It was the first solo trip where I felt lonely. That was when I decided a travel partner would be a good thing. I’ll let you know how that goes after Peru in October.

11. I have really pretty scars on my legs. Oh wait, pretty isn’t really the right word. But that’s what happens when you fall down a cliff and tear off your shin. Phooey.

12. Laughing is my favorite past time.

13. Remember the LOUD family on Saturday Night Live? That’s my family. We all want to be heard so we continually talk louder and louder to be heard over each other. But we’re fun!

14. I have an Amazon wishlist. I think you can learn about a person through the crap they want, so you can peek at mine HERE! if you wanna.

15. I’m a scrap-booker. I do a nice job, but I’m not all obsessed and perfect. I own about $500 in scrap-booking supplies and I haven’t even finished my darn 2001 album yet! I need to work on this again. I’ve just been really busy.

16. I love driving fast. Wheeeeeeeee I just do. I know it’s dangerous, but I can’t help it.

17. I’ve always wanted a Camaro. Really bad. But, I know I willprobably never have one. They are crappy cars that break and they quit making them this year. But still… I still can wish.

18. I’m still lost in the 80s. I don’t care if it makes me a total geek. I love 80s music, I love 80s clothes, I love 80s freaks. I still own all of my spandex and leather, beads and buttons… Can’t get over it.

19. I love move trailers. I hate when I am late to a movie and miss the trailers.

20. I’ll try almost ANYTHING once.

:: Jenn 4:27 PM [+]

:: Thursday, August 15, 2002 ::
mmmmmmmmm... beer

Stole this over at Deep Blue Day. Beer is GOOD for you! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I knew it! yea!!!

:: Jenn 11:52 AM


Okay, you all have a junk e-mail address, right? So, I'm putting up this link, www.blink.com/referral/ladyjadegd, so that all you nice peoples can go there and sign up for their program so I can get POINTS! Okay, I know probably no one will do it, buthey I can ask! It is actually sort of a cool thing, if you actually use it and go click on the stuff. You can earn free gift cards and such by "visiting their sponsors". Anyway, check it out and if you're interested, sign up using my link!

:: Jenn 11:36 AM [+]

This just in

The new Survivor will be starting on September 19th. Too, too bad Mr. San Diego... torture time for you, cuz I am watching it. Unless it sucks. Then I will STOP watching it. I hope it doesn't suck like last time.

:: Jenn 11:30 AM [+]

Journal-ing & Story Time

Wow. I missed yesterday. Go figure. I hope that isn't a sign that I'm going to flake on not keep up on my posting! Last night I pulled out my old SARK Journal and Playbook to look back on the journal I attempted to keep back in 97-98. I missed a LOT of days. At one point I missed like seven months! whoops! I remember the day I bought that journal and I was all excited and I was DEFINITELY going to keep it up. Of course, I have done this many, many times and I NEVER keep them up. That was probably the time I did the best at it. Until now. Because really, my purpose in starting this was to actually keep a journal and it's worked! I've tried to intersperse things that may be interesting to others so that it isn't completely boring to outside readers, but it really is for me to keep a record of whats going on in my life. I'm just proud that I have kept it up, unlike the 243 times before in my life that I made this attempt.

So, back to SARK and the Playbook. OH MY! It is soooo amusing to re-read the things that were going on in my head back then. Oh, wait. It read pretty much like this one does. Relationship junk, sex, work, am I happy or not happy? yadda yadda yadda. Quite a bit discussed my boyfriend at the time. He's the one I haven't really told you about, so I'm going to. Sit down.

I began dating B about 2 months after I separated from my husband. We fell in love and one day he shared this interesting little tidbit about his life with me. I showed up at his apartment and he was dressed in a denim skirt and a flowered top and chick shoes. I said, "Don't you think you're taking this Halloween thing just a little too far?" (he had dressed up like Death from Sandman comics for Halloween) This is when he explained to me that he was a cross dresser. Now a smart girl would have packed up and left, but no, I asked questions and he gave all of the right answers. "No, it's just for fun." "No, I don't want to BE a girl in real life." blah blah blah I believed him. He seemed sincere. We went on with our merry little lives. A couple months later I moved in with him. Cross dressing for him was a part of our lives. Every couple of months, he'd dress up and we'd head out to Studio City for the Queen Mary and the heart of Southern California's Cross Dressing counter-culture. It was fun. I won't deny that I had a good time. Definitely different. Definitely something I didn't tell my friends and family about, but it seemed harmless. I met a lot of interesting characters and after a while it just seemed normal. Until about 1997.

Well, now I'm definitely leaving out a LOT of life's happenings here. To sum up, in '95 B and I almost broke up because he had a "friend". There wasn't a sexual affair going on, but he was becoming emotionally involved and I'd about had it when on a vacation I fell down a cliff in Mexico and was injured. When we got home, he took care of me for two months while I recurperated and healed. When I got hurt he realized how stupid he had been... the girl was gone, but I mostly just felt like I owed him for taking care of me. I still loved him, but there was no passion or "in love" feelings left. But we stayed together trying to hold on. Fast Forward back to the story.

1997. B was becoming more and more involved in the cross dressing community. She (referring to the femme side now) had a website that was perused by thousands. It was mostly about her (self-centered chick that she was), but offered information and links to trangendered information from support groups to places to party. It was a great site. We went to conferences and conventions on transgender issues. She entered this online Miss Trangendered contest, and pretty much our world started taking on a complete focus of all things transgendered. One day I told B that it was time to get some counseling because from my vantage point it looked to me like he was headed to Sexual Reassignment and he needed to figure this out now, not when he was 60. So he did. And I was right. By the fall of 97 we knew that B was heading towards becoming a full time woman. I continued living there and we kept up the appearance of being boyfirend/girlfriend for our friends and there were still feelings of love there, but we both knew that I'd be leaving in the next year and that he would begin his journey to becoming a woman. In April of 98, I finally did move out and that pretty much ended it. We tried to stay friends and went through some ups and downs with a very rocky DOWN last summer. She had her surgery last September 11th (interesting timing!) and since then we have recreated our friendship. Sometimes it is still difficult, but I will always consider her a close friend and I think we'll always BE friends. Some day I might even be able to just think of her as R, her new name, rather than "B who is now R". It can be difficult at times. Particularly because she is HOT! Tall, thin, long gorgeous hair, the works. It's annoying to have the guys wanting your ex boyfriend rather than YOU! ONe good thing is that Mr. San Diego has met her and is totally cool about her being my friend. It's so nice being with a guy who accepts people who are different than him! Anyway, I'm something of an expert on this transgender stuff now... well as far as you can be without actually being a transgendered PERSON! I've had an interesting life. I'm sure it will only get more and more interesting.

:: Jenn 9:55 AM [+]

:: Tuesday, August 13, 2002 ::
On The Mushy Side

I'm pretty sure that there is a difference between LOVING someone and being IN LOVE with someone. I'm also pretty sure that men know the difference, too (so dont' tell me it's just a chick thing) because my ex-husband told me he "loved me", but he just wasn't "all romantically IN LOVE with me". So, how does one know if the person they're with "loves them" or is "all romantically IN love with them"? Does it really matter? Can loving someone without the "IN LOVE" part still work for the long haul? Or not? Just something I was thinking about (and fuck it if anyone takes it the wrong way). Me, being the psycho-bitch I am.

:: Jenn 1:35 PM [+]

Technical Support Please

I have this handy dandy info gained from Blogger (Thanks to Vinny) on how to move your blog onto your website. Only when I do what it says to do, well, it doesn't work. Any of you people out there have any clue how to help me do this? I'm getting way bummed out at not being able to do this! Trying to figure out if I'm just stupid or if Blogger hates me.

:: Jenn 12:12 PM [+]

The Movies

I'll start with the Big Screen. Friday night was Bloodwork. Now this movie is based on the Michael Connelly book of the same title so I was interested in seeing it. Clint Eastwood was believeable as Terry McCaleb, an ex-FBI profiler who has had a heart attack, retiring him. He subsequently had a heart transplant which helps to toss him into the story. His help is requested to find the killer of his heart donor and so goes the usual detective on the hunt story. IF you read this book, then you will have a little surprise in store because they have changed some things around. Obviously, I can't tell what or I will ruin the movie, but don't go in there all cocky thinking you know it all like someone (ahem) I know did. It was a little longer and a little slower than I hoped for and I would really have preferred they start the harry bosch series rather than the McCaleb books, but I'm gonna give it a 6.5 because I enjoyed it and well, duh, it's a Michael Connelly thing and he is one of my favorite authors!

Now for the small screen. I saw Vanilla Sky finally. Wanted to see it since it was at the movies and frankly, even thought I knew it was going to be weird, I was disappointed. I didn't DISLIKE it, I just didn't feel that it was all that. Of course, the sound quality was HORRIBLE particularly with him talking through that mask through the whole thing, but it was probably jsut the copy I was watching. It was ok, yeah surprise ending and all, weird, but just didn't do it for me. I'll go with an average score, a 5. Next, I saw Monster's ball which I REALLY had wanted to see. I will agree that the acting was great. I'll even say it was a pretty good movie. However, it was depressing as hell and I would not recommend this movie if you want to feel happy. Balancing the quality of the movie with how crappy it made me feel, I'm going with a 5 on it, too.


6.5 ~ Bloodwork
5.5 ~ Vanilla Sky
5.5 ~ Monster's Ball

:: Jenn 12:05 PM [+]

:: Monday, August 12, 2002 ::
Okay, here goes

I can't write. I mean my head is full of things going on and I can't write about it because I'm scared that if I write something that isn't all sweetness and light that Mr. San Diego may show back up, read it and take it wrong or be angry. This totally sucks. I feel like I lost my outlet. On one hand, maybe I really am just PMS-ing majorly or maybe, just maybe, I'm a nut case because I feel like I have to keep all that personal stuff that I usually spew out here, bottled up inside. I can say that I had a damned rough week last week with all the mom stuff going on. Then no Mr. San Diego this weekend. And, yeah, part of me is really scared about the moving thing. I vacilate from YEA! to OH NO! It's just such a big step and I'm scared and I know Mr. San Diego is probably sick to death of hearing me questioning it. I am totally excited and I totally want to be with him, but I have been around the block a time or two and that makes me wary. I don't have the best luck in the world with men and what if once I get in there, well, things aren't what I thought it would be like? Or vice versa? Or we drive each other crazy? I'm just scared, I guess. I want to add things, but I just can't. Grrrr... my fault for letting him know this place even existed.

Here is a Nascar question for my Nascar buddies out there. Why do they let Winston Cup Drivers race in Busch races? I don't even watch Busch so why the hell should I care? BUT, I just don't think it's fair that they can do that. Isn't it the fact that they are superior drivers and have proved themselves in the Busch already that is why they are Winston Cup drivers now? If so, it just doesn't seem right that they can go back and race the Busch. I just wanted to give my two cents.

Getting called to a meeting now. bleh. Thats another thing... I'm sick of working. I wanna retire. Come on LOTTO!!!

pretty please?

:: Jenn 2:07 PM [+]


I KNOW how many TMBG fans I know, so I figured I'd post this and you can do it, too =)


Which They Might Be Giants album are you?

:: Jenn 10:33 AM [+]

:: Saturday, August 10, 2002 ::

I'm feeling particularly popular lately... all those zeros in my commenting sections. Of course, I also have had NOTHING to write about being that I've been consumed by dealing with the mommy thing. I brought her home today and she's doing great, so I'm verrrry happy about that, but I also dropped my brother off in the desert and that made me cry, because I don't know when I'm gonna see him again. Hopefully, he won't get shipped off to Afghanistan and then he will be back in December with the family in tow. If they DO ship him off it could be a long ass time and I love my brother. he can still make me nuts sometimes, but he's one of my best friends. Probably the one person in the world who I can not only share everything with without him judging me or thinking bad of me, but we also share a history of family and issues that no one else ever will. It's a special relationship that you have between siblings. I love him to death and I hate him living on the other side of the country, but of course, at least he IS in the country now.

So, tomorrow I will be guest blogging over at Kathleen's place, ~ Unsettled ~. So, stop by and read my blow by blow Nascar posts!

:: Jenn 8:52 PM [+]

:: Friday, August 09, 2002 ::

Usually about this time on a Friday I am counting down the hours until I am with Mr. San Diego and getting all happy and excited, but today I'm starting to go into "bummed out" mode because I'm not going to be seeing Mr. San Diego this weekend. I know that I will see him next weekend, I know that in a month I will see him almost every day! I even just talked to him on the phone. That doesn't change the fact that I am missing him so bad that my heart hurts right now. I hate living 100 miles away from him. I just feel saaaaaaaaaaad. This totally blows.

Sometimes I HATE being a girl and having all of these stupid EMOTIONS. Bleh!

:: Jenn 2:02 PM [+]


Being the voyeur that I am, I enjoy reading about other people's lives and I find the "Found Letters" sites to be interesting. So, in addition to Found Letters which I linked to before, here are a few other sites that share glimpses into other people's personal lives:

~So There
~Girlfriend Stealer's Real Love Letters
~Open Letters
~McSweeney's - Letter's Found at an Internet Cafe in Bangkok

Have Fun!!

:: Jenn 11:07 AM [+]

:: Thursday, August 08, 2002 ::
Always a Freak!

I have this weird obsession with big, bright beach towels right now.

:: Jenn 4:48 PM [+]


So, I'm actually working on moving my blog to my website instead of Blogspot. But I'm working on setting up the layout stuff first. This layout is sooooooooooo cool, I've waited and waited and I still love it, so I'm doing it. But, you'll just have to WAIT AND SEE.

I really have been terribly busy lately and haven't had a chance to read blogs as much as usual or do my usual "online stuff". Well, except eBay, of course. Heh I've bought 3 pairs of Doc Martens on there in the last 2 weeks! Plus some scrapbooks. What I NEED to be doing is SELLING, not BUYING. Sheesh! I'm also throwing a party next Saturday, the 17th, at my friends house FOR some friends, so I'm trying to get out invites to as many people as I can think of. I just have a LOT going on and am feeling a little overwhelmed. Then my weekend at home has grown and I may take a trip out to Stateline on Saturday to do a couple hours of gambling before returning my brother to the base in Barstow... if I can find someone to stay with my mom for a while for me. She is supposed to come home from the hospital tomorrow and then I have a new set of challenges.

I really don't have much to say right now. I'm tired, I have a headache, but I actually am feeling in pretty high spirits. Ya care? Okay... off to lunch!

:: Jenn 12:31 PM [+]

:: Wednesday, August 07, 2002 ::

I actually saw several movies during the Comic Con. Some old, One new. So, I'll review 'em either way. The first movie I saw was Elvira's Haunted Hills. This was the usual Elvira cheese. Elvira gets stuck in a sorta "haunted" castle where weirdness is going on. Nothing terribly original about the story. If you take it as a camp movie than it wasn't so bad. Sorta funny, very cheesy, but of course the acting and writing are pretty awful. heh But just for the fun factor I'd give it a 4.5 unless you hate Elvira then do not watch this film.

Next, we saw Escape From New York. This is one of my fave classics. First, it has Kurt Baby in it (with very few lines heh), it's a pretty exciting storyline, and it's damned good for as old as it is! C'mon, who doesn't love Snake (I thought you were dead) Plisken? The Anti-hero (Is that a word?) coming out on top. WOOT! Anyway, I give it a 7.5.

Then we saw a movie called Interstate 60. It isn't slated to be released on the big screen until November. This movie is about a college-age guy trying to figure out what path to take in life: what he wants or what his dad is trying to make him do. He bumps into a magical guy (played by Gary Oldman) who will grant a wish for you, but is also a trickster, so uh, be careful what you wish for! So our protagonist ends up on a magical road trip on a highway that doesn't exist on maps and lives thorugh some strange adventures to finally find his way in life. IT was actually a good movie, I would recommend it. Oh! It also has Kurt Baby in it! There may be some changes by the time it is released so I will have to see it again, I'm going to give it a 7.5 and say go for it... check it out when it hits.

4.5 ~ Elvira's Haunted Hills
7.5 ~ Escape From New York
7.5 ~ Interstate 60

:: Jenn 10:46 AM [+]

:: Tuesday, August 06, 2002 ::

I left a part out of that question. Smack Me. He is STILL paying to rent the Hall inside the amusement park, as well as for the use of the chapel, the food, etc. The admission is in ADDITION to all of the regular wedding costs. A lot of people were saying just pay for everyone, but he will already be paying a per person charge for the food, just like at a regular wedding. Do you all still feel the same way?

Sorry I haven't had a chance to post today. Just barely got to work. My mom had surgery today and I needed to be at the hospital even though I was just sitting there for hours. This is way stressful for me. I hate seeing her all hurting and stuff. It was really difficult, but I'm feeling better now that I cried some of the stress out. She's going to be completely fine, it's just that whole thing of my mom hurts and it makes me feel bad that she's hurting. One good thing is I get to see my brother, though. He used my mom's surgery as an excuse to get off base and come over for a couple of days (he's in training in California at the moment), so he will be arriving tonight. Yea! I'll try to write more tonight when I get home... I have some MOVIE REVIEWS to do!!!

:: Jenn 3:26 PM [+]

:: Monday, August 05, 2002 ::
Question for the Masses (or COMMENT DAMN IT!)

A friend of mine is considering getting married at an amusement park. He believes that the tickets to get in will be around $22. The question of etiquette is as follows: Is he required to purchase a ticket for all guests or can he simply put in the invite that tickets will be $22? Or would saying tickets are $10, and him picking up the rest be appropriate (he thinks this way might make people think that tickets are REALLY only $10 so what a cheap bastard he is)? Any ideas, comments, suggestions? Is it unreasonable to ask guests to purchase their own tickets? The ticket also allows them to enjoy the park for the whole day, including rides, etc before and after the wedding and reception. Your help is appreciated, oh great minds of the internet!

:: Jenn 3:18 PM [+]


Well, it is official. I'm moving to San Diego in September. The 14th to be exact. Lease has been signed. I'm VERY excited and VERY nervous. We found a really nice and BIG apartment. Parking sucks big time, but everything else is pretty great (well except the price...but, it's San Diego, what do ya expect?) I think it's all going to be great. I'm not sure what we'll be using as furniture yet, hehe but there's plenty of room for the pinball machines and the Kegerator! WOOT! AND it comes with a garage and a washer and dryer!!! I just hope everything works out for us. I get nervous because, well, this is not exactly my first time around the block and I know how things can change. I just hope that our changes just keep making things better. I feel really confident about our relationship, but living together is the true test! Wheeeeeeeeeee I am just so damned excited I can't stop grinning! It seems so far away! Now I'm just impatient to get on with it! Furniture donations accepted. heh

:: Jenn 2:45 PM [+]


Well, unfortunately, I only got to catch like the last 15 laps of the race, darn it. We got there in time to see Rusty in teh lead and then lose it to Elliott. Mr. San Diego was bummed, but still pleased that he at least made 2nd. That helped in point standings and speaking of point standings... GO JIMMIE!!! Yeah, baby! 2nd in points now after his 9th place finish this weekend (he started with a PROVISIONAL!). YEA! I'm bummed I missed the rest of the race, but at least we managed to catch the end. Mr. San Diego suggested we run next door to the convention center to check in the hotel bar. I was being pessimistic and whining we were just gonna miss it anyway, but we made it and got to drink a couple of $6 beers (tip of the day: ask how much the beer is before you order when in a hotel bar). At least it was Bass and not some crap beer. So, I don't have a bunch of comments about everything that happened during the race. You'lljust have to check out NASCAR.com if you want more info! Next weekend I will be home all weekend so I will not miss the race! (hint hint, Kathleen)

:: Jenn 10:28 AM [+]

Freaking BlogSpot!!! Grrrrrrrrrrness

:: Jenn 10:12 AM [+]


Given the fact that I wrote a post in a drunken state basically telling you all how much I love you, I think I should get a little leeway for not mentioning every single person who I love. I have this neato-skeeto bar thingy on the side of my page that lists a bunch of links. If you're on there. You're just DAMNED special to me! If I didn't mention your name in my drunk ramblings, it's only because I got tired of typing and wanted to go to bed! No more making me feel bad! The point was... (even if it was a little beer induced) this whole thing is great, YOU GUYS are great, and I'm glad that I have become a part of this twisty little world. Even if I now can have no secrets *sigh*

:: Jenn 10:05 AM [+]

:: Sunday, August 04, 2002 ::
I know I know...

I've been in hiding. Sorry guys. I have been insanely busy with this Comic-Con thingy. I didn't realize that apparently this is THE biggest one on earth and everyone comes...from ALL OVER THE WORLD! It's actually pretty cool and I'm having a really good time. Highlights: Yesterday I got to see Jason Lee, Ben Affleck, Arnold Schwarzenager (I have no clue how to spell that!), Ang Lee, Lucy Liu, Ray Park, and James Cameron, not to mention trailers and footage for movies not yet being shown to the general public. That was fun. Friday I saw the guys from Mad Magazine, Todd McFarlane, and a movie YOU won't be seeing until November! I've picked up a TON of freebies: t-shirts, posters, a hat, stickers, a dreamcatcher, video games, CDs... This place is very fun! Today is our last day. We've been there ALL day for the last three days, but today we are going to leave early to go back to the apartment hunting. We think we found what we want as long as it is still available when we get there, but if it is meant to be, it will be.

This morning I've spent my time downloading Boingo songs to complete Mr. San Diego's meager Boingo collection =) hehe no time, no time. I'll be back tomorrow!

:: Jenn 8:42 AM [+]


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